


you looked right through me (I know you can hear me)

by Lambcow



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: And then it wasn't, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Tumblr Post, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), It may have grown a plot so I may end up writing more, Reylo - Freeform, this was supposed to be short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-02-24 08:11:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13209582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lambcow/pseuds/Lambcow
Summary: Based on the tumblr post by coupdefoudreylo:"Imagine Rey ignoring Benlo every time the force connects them? Like straight up pretending she can’t see him, she can’t hear him. Eventually Kylo believes that maybe it’s true- she doesn’t feel him there. Maybe this is the Force continuing to punish him. Let him see what it is he wants most without being able to do anything about it. Eventually he breaks down, shaking and crying as he watches her and says “I miss you,” and Rey can’t ignore him any longer."





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

  * For [coupdefoudreylo](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=coupdefoudreylo).



When Rey was on Jakku she dealt with things that she didn’t want to deal with by ignoring them (act like it's not happening and it's almost like it's not).

She was hungry? It doesn’t matter unless she keeps scavenging to get food anyway.

It was hot? Too bad, staying inside wouldn’t keep her fed.

Running low on water causing migraines and delusions? Just get more water. Somewhere. As long as she didn’t dwell on the sandy taste stuck to the inside of her mouth.

She was lonely? Nothing to be done about that, she might as well act like she was fine. What was the alternative when she truly was alone with nobody to even pretend to fill that role? None that she could see.

So, when Rey decided she didn’t want to deal with Kylo Ren anymore, she dealt with him the same way.

She shut the door on him when she was leaving Crait with the Resistance and without even consciously acknowledging it (because then she would have to admit she was giving up on him, and for some reason the thought of that didn’t sit well in her stomach) she committed to shutting him out from then on.

The next time he appeared to her, she was in her quarters at the Resistance’s new base (at least for the time being, they would likely be scrambling again soon so as not to be too trackable). She’d brought some of the Jedi texts from the Falcon to her room and was trying to decipher the old text, but it wasn’t in a language she was familiar with, so what she did understand wasn’t much.

And then, just when she was thinking of finding something else to do, he was there. It took all her willpower not to look up. Every time he showed up it was like someone was yelling for her to look at him. There was a strange draw she felt to him.

But she kept her eyes on the pages in front of her.

“Rey.”

She didn’t say anything.

“You’re reading? Those would be Jedi texts then, wouldn’t they? Have you had those since before…” before she went to him (it was a mistake). Before she tried to bring him back with her (she was a fool to think he would change so soon). Before he killed Snoke. Before they fought side by side, back to back (and how amazing it was to have someone defend her while expecting her to hold her own as well… to be an equal and a partner). Before he offered her the galaxy at the cost of everything she’d come to know away from Jakku (but now how much of that was gone too? Han, Luke was nothing like she imagined him to be). Before it all.

_Yes, before all of that._

It was just a thought, but Rey mentally chided herself. If she was going to ignore him, even responding to him in her mind could be dangerous. Her face might react too much if she did that. Rey drew her attention back to the book as best she could. Was it just wishful thinking, or did those words seem like they said something about a laser sword?

Rey could practically hear Kylo frowning from across the space between them when she didn’t answer him again. He stayed that way, frowning at her from across the room, watching her as she continued to look at the garbled language on the pages in front of her. “I know you can hear me. You’re ignoring me now?” It was almost a question, more like he was pleading the information not to be true.

Even if she wanted to ignore him, she could still hear him. It was surprisingly more difficult to ignore him than the other things Rey had practice shutting out. A person was not the same as hunger or loneliness. Those were things that existed solely inside of her. She could control them. But him… she couldn’t control anything he said to her. Rey focused more intently on the book in an attempt not to look up at him, not to react to him. There was one phrase Rey saw on the page that she thought she could understand… it was close enough to another language she knew, she thought it might be talking about lightsabers. _The sword is an extension of the soul_. Is that what it meant? Or was she reading it wrong?

Kylo stepped toward her until he was right in front of her, standing before where she sat on the edge of her bed. “Rey, don’t do this.” Rey flipped the page and ran her hand across the drawings depicted. It was the rough shape of a lightsaber. So, at least she was right about the topic. How was she going to learn from these books if she didn’t understand the language?

_Go away, Ben._

She couldn’t help but think it. She just wanted him to leave (or so she told herself).

He knelt down in front of her so that his face was visible over the pages of her book and it’s nearly impossible not to look at him. Rey took a sharp breath and she’s not sure how she avoided his gaze when she could see the look he gave her in her peripherals.

How is it possible for someone to show so much genuine raw emotion on their face all the time? (Not all the time, Rey reminded herself. Was it just around her then? That somehow didn’t help matters any).

She could sense he wanted to reach out. His hand moved toward her then stopped suddenly, he looked at his hand then at her and put it back down. Good, at least he was reading her right. She didn’t want him to touch her (if only he had made a different choice then, or if she had, when they were together on the _Supremacy_. Things could be so different than they were now).

“Rey. You can ignore me all you want. It won’t make this less real. It won’t make me less real. I don’t know why this keeps happening to us, but it’s not just going to stop. Neither am I.” Rey couldn’t handle it. She wasn’t looking at him, but she could see him anyway. She was sure her eyebrow was twitching or something. How was it possible that she hadn’t reacted? That she somehow felt both nothing and so much at the words he was saying to her. And he was so close, too close.

Rey slammed the book in her hands closed and Kylo sat back a bit in surprise (could he see the book when she was holding it? Could he feel the wind of the pages as they shut? She wasn’t looking at him so she couldn’t tell if his hair moved or not from the action).

“Maybe I’ll understand that better later,” Rey said louder than she would have if Kylo hadn’t been there too. She put her hand on her stomach and made a face. There was a clock on her bedside table. She could see the time when she glanced at it. It was late enough that she could get away with going to get dinner now (and getting away was exactly what she wanted to do just then). Rey stood mechanically and somehow, the path to the door was not blocked by Kylo’s large frame, still knelt on the floor. He was still watching her, looking up at her and his eyes burned like a brilliant fire, stinging her as she walked away from him and left him there watching her leave.

The feeling of the bond left shortly after she closed the door to her rooms behind her. She fell back against the closed door and shut her eyes tightly. There were tears on her cheeks after a minute and she brought her hand to her cheeks in shock and wiped the drops away in disgust (but in her heart there was only sadness and regret. Why did it hurt so much to close him out? He didn’t deserve her time, her attention. Why should she be upset? And yet she was).

Rey huffed and pushed away from the door and stalked toward the cafeteria on the base. Maybe she was delirious from hunger like she was sometimes on Jakku. She would feel better after she’d had something to eat (but the pang in her chest argued that food wasn’t the issue).

Rey wasn’t sure if it was easier or harder to ignore him now.

On the one hand, whenever he showed up now, at least she knew what to expect.

On the other, what she learned to expect became more and more painful over time (and not even the distance of time could save her because he just kept coming back when she thought she might be able to manage her traitorous emotions).

The next time he appeared in her world, she was with Poe talking about flying and for some reason that made it easier. There was someone else to engage with and it’s not like she could talk to Kylo in front of Poe anyway without looking crazy. So, she just kept talking, keeping her voice as normal as she could.

It was different though. She didn’t want to say all the same things, didn’t want him to know all the things about her that she would tell the people around her. And of course, it doesn’t help that Kylo would act like everything Rey said was directed at him. She knew he was just trying to get her attention.

Then he was gone, as suddenly as he appeared and Rey could breathe normally again, could talk normally again (but she was having a hard time ignoring the twinge in her chest and the way her stomach flipped uncomfortably and there was a bad taste in her mouth like she had when she would turn in parts when she was young, expecting large amounts of portions only to be given less than even a full portion. She felt an emptiness somewhere that she couldn’t explain or fill for the rest of the day).

And maybe that feeling of emptiness stayed with her more than she would ever admit to anyone (was this the loneliness she had felt her whole life? It felt so much bigger now).

Rey kept going despite it all. The Resistance was doing good things, their numbers were starting to increase again. The barracks on the base started to fill up little by little and there were always new faces and people to meet.

And Rey found herself forcing herself out of her space more and more (and of course it wasn’t because she was lonely, and it definitely wasn’t because Kylo was that much easier to ignore if she wasn’t alone). She was starting to feel like a part of the Resistance for real and it was a wonderful feeling.

Jessika and Rose seemed to have adopted her and if she wasn’t with them she was with Finn or Poe or Kaydel. And if she wasn’t with one of them, she was probably sleeping or practicing with the Force somewhere.

She found that if she meditated over the Jedi texts, the words would come to her even despite the strange language. In fact, the first pages of one of the books directly spoke of the abilities of the Force to understand languages and Rey found that within the course of a few days she was able to read the texts rather fluidly now. Trying to understand all the philosophy and teachings, though, was another story. Understanding what the words said and what they actually meant to tell her were entirely different.

But as Rey became more familiar with the texts, the less time she wanted to spend with them. It seemed that every time she relaxed and started to really understand something, that was the moment Kylo would show up and, inevitably, break her concentration (and remind her of the odd ache in her chest that she just wanted to forget).

“Please Rey.”

She keeps reading, she starts to read a bit of it out loud, adding her own commentary, trying to understand what this was talking about. Force healing? How did you actually do that though?

“It’s been almost two weeks. Are you mad at me? I won’t apologize for asking you to come with me. I still wish you had.”

_(And in some moments, I wish I had too)._

“Healing is a power of the Light, most highly regarded and difficult to perform unless the one performing is at the utmost calm.” Rey didn’t let it show that she heard him, just like always, she had the perfect façade.

He was quiet for a time, watching her, she knew, but not saying anything. Maybe he was listening to what she was reading, but somehow, she doubted that too.

“I am sorry though. Sorry about the pain it caused you to say the truth about your parents. I’m not sorry I did it though. You needed to say it. You won’t admit it, not to me, but I know the truth: saying it out loud has set you free. Once you stop holding onto everything that hurts you, you won’t feel that pain at all anymore.”

Rey stumbled over the words in front of her and read the same sentence over again. Then she read it again because she knew she just read the words twice, but she had no idea what they just said. Why did Kylo have to talk to her like this? Why did he insist on telling her these things she didn’t want to hear? (and so what if he was right? He had no right to tell her any of it. He had no right to make her feel this way.)

And then he was gone once again, and Rey finally looked to the place where he had been and she couldn’t help that her arms reached out wishing he were still there (and if she wanted him to hold her, was there really something so wrong with that? When he was there she felt a little bit more whole and the emptiness in her chest didn’t feel quite so empty). She felt the tears rolling down her face and the sobs wrack her body and she really couldn’t help it. For a few minutes, she just let herself feel the emotions she had, and who cares if she was supposed to hate him? For some reason, every time she tried to push him out of the corner of her heart he inextricably wormed himself into, she would just end up caring more and wanting to talk to him when he was there. But she wouldn’t talk to him. She wouldn’t even look at him, just let her eyes slide right past (and maybe that was the worst part of it all because she hadn’t looked into his eyes since Crait, and for some reason his eyes and the way he looked at her made her feel alive more than all the best food she’d had since leaving Jakku ever could.)

Weeks passed. The Resistance was beginning to bustle again. The First Order was moving and Leia was building battle plans; everyone was strategizing and there was an excitement that teetered on apprehension in the air all around her.

And for some reason, Rey found she enjoyed the feeling. It filled something empty inside her.

The preparation distracted her from the tumult of emotions inside her every time she saw Kylo.

He had been getting increasingly more frustrated with her ignoring him. Last time he appeared, she had been alone again, and she was repairing a blaster she found. He ended up losing his cool and yelling at her. It hurt maybe more than any other time he came to her. But not because of the yelling, because he wasn’t really yelling at her. He was starting to wonder if she actually could still see and hear him. It was a shameful kind of pride she felt that she was ignoring him so well that he had to question if their connection was truly still two-sided. So he wasn't yelling at her so much as cursing the Force for showing her to him when she couldn't see him too.

Rey picked up a differently sized tool and adjusted one of the wires inside the gun careful not to position it wrong. The problem was in the core tech piece of the gun and she had to figure out how to remove it so she could fix it properly.

He was done yelling now, his voice softer now than it maybe ever had been, more pained than she could remember hearing it.

“You really can’t hear me, then? I’ve begun to wonder these past few days, but you don’t react. Ever. And you haven’t since… since…”

_Since Crait, since it all went down. Since you forced me to choose between the life I have with the Resistance and the galaxy with you (the love that I want so badly, but have never had)._

Kylo (and really, this is Ben,  _this is her Ben_ ) stepped closer to her, and she was infinitely glad in that moment that the desk she sat at faced the corner and he couldn’t see her face even if he wanted to, just the side of it, and that was okay because the lights were dim too, so he really couldn’t see her as long as she didn’t react (as long as her breathing didn’t change and this feeling in her gut didn’t turn into tears that would leave her shaking like before).

“So I guess it’s true.” There was a bitter laugh that followed from his lips and Rey winced. Ben (this couldn’t be Kylo, not when he was so vulnerable, not when he clearly cared so much) didn't notice the reaction, and Rey was both grateful and disappointed.

“The Force is punishing me. I went too far with…” Rey braced herself against the words as she continued to disassemble the gun. She knew what he was trying to say. There was a weight to his words and Rey knew.

_He went too far when he killed Han._

Rey heard his broken sob and she had to close her eyes for a minute to hold back her own tears. She held her breath unconsciously.

“And now, because of all the… the shit I’ve done, the Force is punishing me by showing me you. You --  _Rey._ " His voice broke on her name, and she felt like she too was breaking. "Endlessly just seeing you, but you never see me. Maybe you can’t even feel that I’m here at all." (But oh, she could and she was so sorry this was the road she had chosen -- and she had chosen it for both of them because that's how these things worked between two people.)  "I’ve burned all my bridges… even the Force, the power I thought I had, is mocking me, torturing me."

He shifted on the floor behind her where she assumed he sat, when he spoke again, his voice was closer and Rey thought he must have been reaching out for her, arms extended, pleading her and the Force to recognize him. But she couldn't (but oh she could and how she wished she had).

"Rey… Rey, please… Rey, if you can hear me…” But then he was gone and Rey spun around (finally -- she was about to the whole time; how could she have been so heartless when they were both so alone without the other? When they could be so full if she would have just let herself be with him. If she had only gone with him when he asked her the first time. He wasn’t the person she feared he was then, but she still couldn’t imagine ruling the galaxy with him, so maybe it was better this way. She loved the people here in the Resistance and it was true that, although she wouldn’t admit what she felt for Ben Solo even to herself, she still didn’t want to leave the life she had built here).

He was gone, but she fell to the floor and curled up where he had been moments before and let the tears fall, and Rey wondered how many times she would cry over this man, this boy who had come to her countless times and begged her --  _begged her_  -- just to look at him. Why was she doing this to herself? Because he was with the First Order? Because he stood with all the things she didn’t want to stand for?

(But didn’t he say it was time for it all to end, the Resistance as well as the First Order? But how could he even dream of accomplishing that? She couldn't see his vision, didn’t know how to let herself believe he could do anything like that, change the entire galaxy. But, then again, she could barely believe some of the things she could do now, either. How her world had changed so quickly in these past weeks).

Rey laid there on the ground and sobbed until there were no tears left to fall, and then she stayed there and stared at the ceiling, the walls, anywhere and everywhere and absolutely nowhere. Just stared.

This emptiness was starting to take its toll on her. Maybe this wasn’t a good idea, ignoring him when he was connected to her, but how could she stop now? Now that he thought she never heard any of it, that she couldn’t feel him at all… she wasn’t sure she could face him now that she’d caused him so much pain.

So instead, she just stared at the walls, hopeless and feeling awful wondering how she’d ever continue to pretend not to see and hear and feel and smell and… she was a goner, but she was in too deep and she couldn’t stop now. (But now she wanted to stop, and the worst thing in the galaxy is to want what you cannot have, and Rey had decided she could not have Ben Solo -- or Kylo Ren).

So just like when she was young and on Jakku and she wanted to avoid things, she began to ignore not only Ben when he appeared, but also the pain she felt when she missed him. She ignored the empty feeling, spending more time focused on the Jedi texts and Resistance operations. She ignored the pain in her chest when she thought about the pain she was causing both her and Ben by continuing this lie.

Ever since that night when he broke down on her, when he appeared now he wouldn’t speak to her. Sometimes the first minute after he would appear it wouldn’t be so bad, he would seem his normal self from before, but then he would look her way (and she was still avoiding looking at him as much as she hated it) and he would just watch her, eyes sullen, tortured. Lost. Heartbroken. It was as though he had given up believing that they were really connected at all and it hurt Rey more than she expected.

Finn started to get concerned and asked her if she was okay when her eyes started to have permanent gray bags under them from all the nights where her conflicted heart had kept her up until the sun.

“Yeah, Finn, I’m okay, really. Just everything going on lately and I guess I’ve been having a hard time sleeping.” She wasn’t sure she convinced him, and she didn’t blame him, she was hardly acting like she was okay. But he let her be after that and though people around the base seemed to be trying to cheer her up, she didn’t get much better.

It was another two weeks of Ben lingering in random moments just watching her. Sometimes when he would show up he’d be busy doing something too, but she could feel the way he would constantly glance over at her his gaze filled with so much longing that it hung in the air between them and she didn’t have to be looking at him to know that he was feeling the same ache for her that she was for him. (And why was it that once again the loneliness in each of them matched perfectly?)

Another week passed and there was a mission that some of the Resistance fighters were going on. They’d gotten some intel on the First Order and suddenly Finn and Poe were both leaving and Jessika and Rose had been assigned to various tasks and Rey was supposed to be on the mission too, and she was excited to finally be doing something for the galaxy (and to distract her from her heart and the longing looks she received from Ben all the time it seemed).

But then Leia pulled her aside just before the mission.

“Rey,” She sounded like she had bad news and Rey’s smile faltered. _No_. _What is it?_

“General?” She was on guard now.

“I don’t think this mission is a good idea for you right now. We need you here, there’s something else I need you to do.” Leia explained the task, but it just sounded like a reason to keep Rey on the base to her, and she wanted to argue but it’s not as if she didn’t somehow expect this. She hadn’t been sleeping, she hadn’t really been eating much and she’d been keeping to herself more and more these past few weeks. It wasn’t hard to tell that she’d fallen into a bit of a depressive state. She couldn’t be out on a dangerous mission like she was and everyone around her knew it too.

So Rey would stay on the planet, stay on the base while all of her friends would leave and risk their lives for the cause. For the Resistance. _For what they believed in_.

And Rey would be here still. With nothing but her loneliness and the ghost of a man Ben Solo had become in her everyday life as she ignored his existence and he watched her and probably tried to forget her.

When they were loading up the ships to go on their mission, Rey went with Finn and Poe to see them off. Finn gave her a big hug and told her to be safe. Rose was with them too, and she gave Finn a good luck kiss before he went to go load up his fighter. Rose went to her station too a minute later and it was just her and Poe left. She liked Poe as much as she liked Finn. They really had a great connection.

Rey loved the Resistance, she reminded herself. It was okay that she was lonely and that she didn’t get to go on the mission with everyone else, she would be fine. She always had been fine with being alone before. It wasn’t so different now. Besides, they would all be back.

“Hey, Rey, you sure you’ll be okay?

“Yeah, you know me, I’m always fine, Poe.”

Rey felt him then. Suddenly and Ben was there in the hanger somewhere too. Rey couldn’t help it, that was the last straw and she felt a tear slip down her face (and really, it was Ben’s fault more than anything else because it was his fault for not coming with her after she went to get him all that time ago and it’s his fault now that everyone is leaving on this mission because they’re going to fight the First Order and he is the First Order. And really maybe it’s her fault too because she didn’t go with him when he asked her to, and then she’s been ignoring him probably for months now, but really what’s the point in casting the blame anymore?)

“Hey, come here,” Poe pulled her against his chest and wrapped his arms around her and held her tight, and she was glad for the comfort even as she imagined (not for the first time) what it would be like for another pair of arms to hold her like this. “We’ll be back safe before you know it, and next time you’ll be coming with us, too.” Rey tried to compose herself, but Poe kept saying good things in her ear and just told her to let it out. So, she did until the final sirens sounded and he squeezed her tight and pulled away.

“I have to go now,” He said, his arms still on her shoulders. “It’ll be okay, Rey.” Then Poe was gone and the TIEs all left the hanger, and to make things worse, Rey could still feel Ben, he was so close to her now, and she heard Ben just over her shoulder, his voice choked up and so soft.

“Rey… I miss you.” And he started to reach out to her and she was about to lean into his touch but then he was gone too, and she was completely alone in the hanger.

Always so alone these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was supposed to be short, but it got away from me. This is part one. I have part two pretty much done, too, and it was all just going to be one chapter, but I think it needs a third part (it decided to grow a baby plot, so I need to write more to wrap it all up.) So, it looks like it's gonna be probably three parts unless people want even more than that, then idk.  
> But yeah, thanks for reading! Leave a kudos and a comment (comments are life and I super appreciate them!!)  
> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> **edit 1/3/18 fixed minor grammar/tense changing issues and italicization that ao3 left off before**


	2. II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is tired of fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I had wanted to post this much earlier than I have, but I got really sick there for a couple days, so, that sucked. Anyway, I hope you guys like this next part even a fraction as much as you did the first (because OH MY THE REACTION FROM CHAPTER 1 HAS ME SPEECHLESS, THANK YOU ALL!!!)
> 
> So, yeah. Part II:

 That night, Rey laid in her bed just staring at the ceiling. The mission would take several days and so for the time being Rey was alone. It was somewhere in the very late hours of the night (or very early hours of the morning, really), and Rey couldn’t sleep. Not even close.

Her mind betrayed her and wandered to Ben Solo once again and to all the regret she held. He could help her. _Ben could help her._ She believed that now. It was just the question of who would bend because they couldn’t be together (in any way, really) as long as they stood on opposite sides of this fight.

But Rey was done with sides. She was exhausted by it all. She had seen more Ben Solo than Kylo Ren by this point, and she wondered if they were really so different after everything was said and done. Maybe she misjudged him when he asked her to come with him. Maybe he really was trying to do a good thing out there taking over from Snoke. He did take him out, after all, that had to mean something, didn’t it? But it didn’t matter because Rey didn’t know how to fix this – whatever it was between them, not after all the time she had let pass.

She closed her eyes and laid on her back willing sleep to come, but it wouldn’t.

Then the air changed, and she knew because she’d felt this feeling so many times in the last few months, that this meant Ben was there with her now.

Tired and alone for too long, Rey opened her eyes and looked for him in her small room. It didn’t take much searching though. He was right beside her on the bed, laid out on his back, his eyes closed and his hair in his face as he slept.

Rey’s heart sped up, and for the first time in months she was looking at him and she let out a shaky breath and just… _let_ herself look at him. It was such a selfish thing to look at him now when he couldn’t know that she saw him, that she really did see him too whenever he was seeing her, but she couldn’t help it. Whatever reason the Force continued to bring them together, she was taking this chance now to really look at him before she would have to look away again forever (but there was a tug in her chest even at the thought, and she knew, somewhere deep inside that she was lying if she said she would—that she could—lock Ben Solo out again like she had for so long).

His face scrunched up in distress and his limbs twitched, ghosting movement from his dreams. He must have been having a nightmare. Rey frowned and wondered suddenly if he had them often. Just one more way he suffered, and she wasn’t there for him ( _I’ll help_ you she had promised him that day, and yet she turned her back on him and why? Even after he continued to help her see her own truths as ugly as they were, but she never did anything for him, never helped him like she said she would). Rey gently reached over and touched the pads of her fingers to his forehead and smoothed the crinkled lines under her touch. Rey trailed her fingers down his face until she could let her hand rest on his cheek softly. It didn’t take long before Ben’s whole body seemed to relax, his breathing calming along with the rest of him. (And really that just reminded Rey how unfair this was, this touch, because it was only for her and Ben may never know that she cared about him like he cared about her. But she was selfish, _so selfish,_ because she was done feeling alone and sad, and this touch, as small as it was, was already healing her wounded heart).

Ben sighed softly and leaned into her touch. Rey bit her lip, but she couldn’t help the tear that fell from her eye. Why couldn’t they just be like this? No light side or dark side, no anything, just _together_? Rey moved her hand to brush the hair out of Ben’s eyes, using her fingers to gently comb it away from his face until she could see his whole expression, slack and peaceful in his slumber.

“Rey…” and it was just the quietest whisper, soft and slurred with sleep, but it broke down the last of Rey’s reserves and there were more tears flowing suddenly (And how was it that this was the first time she had looked at him for months? That this was the first time she had touched him?)

“Oh, Ben…” She found herself now cradling his head in her lap, gazing at his face, her hands still in his hair, still brushing it all back and wishing she had made different decisions, that the galaxy was kinder to the two of them a long time ago.

And then his eyes opened in true, and she saw his eyes (really truly saw his eyes) for the first time in months and she smiled through the tears at him (and _oh his eyes_ \-- they were the same eyes that she felt longing for her for months from across the room a galaxy away, burning her for her sins and lies against him, and now those eyes were looking into her eyes and there was that longing still there and she was seeing it raw and for the first time now with her own eyes, only now there was more to his gaze. Disbelief but hope, caution but desire, and Rey wondered what he saw when he looked into her eyes. She felt her regret, her sorrow, her apology most of all, her plea for forgiveness, and desire, _always desire)._

“R-Rey?” She knew he must have thought he was still dreaming (because oh, how in nights when she was lonely did she find her own dreams filled with finally going to Ben, or having always gone with him, or having known him forever. Though in the morning when she awoke she forced all feelings from her mind and continued her course of ignoring, never letting herself give into the fantasies her unconscious mind taunted her with).

That was all it took, the sound of his voice so deep and tender in the dim light of the room coupled with the look in his dark, soulful eyes, and suddenly the flood gates were opened and Rey was speaking to him (finally, after months, and she was ashamed that the first words she had to tell him were an apology, but she had to say it now, had dreamed of telling him for so long, in a secret part of herself, in the hopes that he wouldn’t hate her forever. That he would still want her after he knew the truth).

“Oh, Ben, I’m so sorry.” And when she spoke, she could see the change in his eyes and he knew it was really her, and he was sitting up, and his hand was taking hers in both of his and he was watching her so intensely like he always did, but there was no sorrow here now, just shock and hope (and something else, but Rey dared not try and name it else she was wrong and her whole soul would hurt later on because of it) But now that she had started, Rey couldn’t stop talking, and though she loved the color of his eyes (and had they always been _that shade of brown?)_  she had to look away because she couldn’t look him in the eyes and admit her shame. “I’m sorry I made you think there was no connection between us.”

And then she looked into his eyes because she had to make sure he understood what she was saying, that she really meant it with all that she was. “It started as just ignoring you and then it just became habit and then you were convinced it was over -- that there was no connection left, and I didn’t know how to tell you I was here, _but Ben, I was always here,_ and every time I was about to reach out, finally, and tell you how much I…” she didn’t know what words she needed here, she wasn’t entirely sure what she felt, if she could say it out loud. (But Ben was watching her, and her hand was in his and his lips grazed against her knuckles in a delicate, dangerous way that Rey had never considered she could be touched). She forced herself to look into his eyes again, to be brave, just _say it_ (he would want to hear her _say it_ ).  “But every time, you were already gone. And now you’re here… oh, Ben… please don’t disappear now. Please, please, Ben, please…” Her hands were on his face and his shoulders and then he finally reached up and pulled her to him the rest of the way. His arms wound around her, and his face pressed into the crook of her neck (and oh, the sweet way his lips brushed against her skin made her tingle and she wondered if he knew what it was doing to her) and he was crying now too and telling her it didn’t matter (mumbling against her skin between kisses to her wherever his lips happened to be, and she wondered why she shut him out for so long, what reason she had for denying herself this comfort of familiarity and love for so long. This _belonging_.)

None of that mattered anymore, she didn’t need to be sorry. _Let the past die._

They held each other until the tears were exhausted and there was only this warmth and comfort and _fullness_ between them that came for Rey from finally looking at him again and leaning on him for the emotional support she’d been looking for this whole time.

He held her against him like she would run, like he never wanted to be without her again and when her breathing finally seemed to even out, he whispered her name once more into her neck.

“Rey,” Ben pulled back enough to look her in the eyes. Rey got lost in his eyes and intense emotion there for a few moments and there was a warmth that sparked in her chest prompting her to glance down to his lips and back up again (those lips which she still felt like flames on her hands and her neck and her chin where he had dragged them across and…).

“Yes?” She asked quietly, but whatever he was thinking of saying was lost as he looked at her lips and then they were both leaning in and his lips were on hers and it was nothing like she could have imagined, but it was somehow better than everything and it was all she could do to pull him closer.

“Ben,” she gasped between kisses when she got the chance and suddenly he was gazing into her eyes again and his gaze was so electric, and she felt like he could see into her soul. She couldn’t look away (and she never really wanted to).

“Oh, Rey…” And he kissed her cheeks and her nose, and he seemed to be distracted momentarily by mapping her face with kisses. “I missed you, Rey.” And then he made his way to one of her ears and he whispered sweetly and so softly, that it caused a shiver to run through her, “I missed the sound of your voice.”

“I missed you too.” And it was true, though her throat was tight because she knew it was her own fault that she missed him, though she would never have thought in the beginning that she could miss him, yet she did. And even now in his arms she still missed him. It ached that he was so far away, so far out of reach despite the fact that she could feel him here in her arms. “I felt so alone.”

“I never left.” He leaned his forehead against hers and his eyes were still locked on hers intensely for a moment and then he was kissing her again, and she was kissing him back with a matching passion and the hole that she once felt was so empty in her chest was filled with a blazing furnace and she found he was like oxygen, adding more to the fire and it burned brighter and hotter the more she touched him.

And then, like it always did, the connection ended, suddenly and without warning and where one moment she was wrapped in the arms of Ben Solo, the very next Rey was surrounded by nothing and there was only cold air and the draft from the vents in her arms and she was alone again.

But something was different now, and the aching in her heart was gone and replaced by a different kind of ache somewhere else. The Force sat within her stronger than it had before, and she didn’t feel alone anymore ( _you’re not alone)_ , and although Ben was gone again for a while, Rey had this light sense of optimism in her chest that felt like a promise.

It was a feeling Rey decided she didn’t want to ignore. In fact, she found she didn’t want to ignore any of her feelings anymore. She was done with that part of her life. Even if she was hungry or thirsty or lonely or if it was too hot outside or too cold or she couldn’t find it in her to sleep… she didn’t want to ignore what she was feeling anymore.

She finally wanted to just let it all go. The habit of ignoring may have been necessary for her to survive all those years in the Jakku desert, but those days were dead and gone now, and she needed to let it live in the past and die in the present _(kill it, if you have to)_. She wasn’t the same girl as she was back then.

Admitting this to herself lifted another enormous weight off her shoulders.

Rey admitted to herself that she had probably wrong about Ben that day on the _Supremacy_ (that day when they fought back to back and took down what seemed like every obstacle in the way of their being together). She probably should have just taken his hand all that time ago (and maybe it wouldn’t have been easy, but Rey thinks there must have been some way that she could have been by his side to help him make the decisions he faced because he was actually in power to influence the tide of things in this war, in the whole galaxy, maybe. Maybe with the title of Supreme Leader and an equal to help him in his decisions, they could have started something better for the galaxy just like he said. Maybe she shouldn’t have been so afraid of everything he was suggesting then, but she hadn’t been ready, not like she was now). Now she just had to figure out how they could reconcile because she couldn’t imagine one more day where she had to ignore the fact that…

Well, that she was in love with him and she wanted to be with him, be by his side (and maybe she always did want to be with him, but she wasn’t willing then to think about what he wanted and why those things could have been just as valid as what she wanted).

But now she wanted to know what he wanted. She was ready to listen to him now, more than she ever had been before, and she wanted to try and figure out how they could meet somewhere in the middle with their desires and be together (and maybe that was going to be the hardest part because now it had been months since that day on the _Supremacy_ and although it was true that Leia still wanted her son back just as much as Rey wanted to be with Ben, was it even possible that he could just _come back to them?_ Because nobody would trust him, and it would take years and a lifetime before some people would probably even treat him civilly because of the things that he’d done).

And despite the whirlwind of thoughts in her mind, Rey felt herself finally falling asleep, basking in the glowing feeling that filled her heart and spread through to her whole body and soul, keeping her warm in her dreams of eyes that look at her like she was glorious and everything.

When the sun rose, and Rey finally woke up again, Rey still felt strong in the Force like she had when she fell asleep, and just as she let her thoughts wander to Ben there was a pull in her heart somewhere and he suddenly appeared again as if he had been there the whole time, sitting on the edge of her bed. But it was different this time when they connected. It wasn’t unexpected like it always was before, she felt as if she had drawn him to her somehow. Like she was in control. Ben turned his head and caught sight of her and he seemed surprised, but his expression quickly melted into something much deeper, something so meaningful and Rey felt her stomach flip at what it might mean.

“Did… did I do that?” Rey asked in shock, her gaze still caught in the emotion of his eyes. The look on his face told her the story of a hundred days of loneliness, desperation, and explained the endless stream of longing looks and why they never went away despite his broken hope that she might even meet his eyes.

“You mean… this whole time?” Ben glanced down at his hands and then back up at her again. He seemed shy, reserved, like he was afraid she would take back everything she said and did from the previous night and ignore him again now that it was morning and the sun was shining on their faces baring their kisses in the night like blood red sins that she would scorn him for and ignore him once again because of it (but she couldn’t ignore him, not anymore).

He was looking at his hands in his lap, his shoulders hunched forward as if he were confessing all of his worst sins to her and couldn’t look her in the eye. “I had to see you, even if I thought you couldn’t see me too.” He looked up at her and it seemed like he wanted to reach out, she could see it in his eyes, but he held himself back (and Rey wondered if she had rejected his offers too many times for him to trust her to accept him now despite the way she clung to him so desperately just hours before, wishing those few minutes with him then could have been hours). Then Ben was looking back down at his hands and heaving a big breath. “It was an accident the first few times I used the Force to see you, and after that, I just couldn’t stay away.” (and she understood that because she didn’t think she could stay away from him now either). Ben had been the one initiating all the contact they had been having the past few months, even after he thought she was blind to him, and the revelation shook Rey to her core.

Ben was avoiding her gaze, looking down at his lap like she would be angry at him and he was waiting for her to do something, scold him? Yell? But Rey wasn’t angry. He tortured himself with seeing her? Spent day after day reaching out, pulling her to him just to see her face even though he thought it was hopeless?

Rey opened her mouth but found her throat choked with emotion (oh, how could she have done this for so long? Because while he tortured himself with seeing her, she tortured them both a thousand times again by pretending none of it was real). Rey reached out to him, one hand on his shoulder and the other lifting his chin so she could look into his eyes. “Ben?” He looked miserable, and his eyes pled with her silently and Rey was struck by the realization that he was at her mercy. He didn’t expect anything from her after she denied him for so long, he would let her do what she wanted even if that meant not being with him. She hated that this was her fault, this distance between them (how different things could have been). She was the only one who could fix this. He had already been doing all he could, and it had been her shutting him out time and time again. “I know I hurt you, pretending you weren’t there for so long, but believe me, there’s nothing I regret more than shutting you out. I shouldn’t have done it, I—”

“It’s okay, Rey.” He cut her off, his voice surprisingly biting (and was that the tone she’d heard from him before when she had called him Kylo Ren?), pulling away from her touch like he was ashamed. “You’ve said it before and it’s true: I’m a monster. You don’t have to explain yourself.” He stood up, taking a few steps away from her into the room. There was pain and regret in the heavy set of his shoulders and Rey wanted to stop him from walking away, but she didn’t know how after she had pushed him away for so long. She had no right to force him into anything after what she did (but a quiet part of her was stinging at this rejection and wondered why today they were so disconnected when last night Ben had hugged her so tightly and told her he didn’t care that she ignored him or why because she was there _now._ Well, what about _now_ when she was here again?).

“But, Ben… that’s just it,” Rey stood and purposefully followed his steps until she stood slightly back from him. “You are a monster. You’ve done awful things and hurt people, even people I love, and yes, you’re a monster. But not to me.” He was watching her now (and he must know that those were his own words thrown back at him, just as true here as they were for Rey then). “You’ve made bad choices, we all have in some ways, but you’re not a bad person, Ben.” He looked away as she said this and she watched his shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath (maybe he would see that she was right, that he didn’t have to be a monster just because of his past) “I’ve seen you these past months and –”

“Don’t say that.” He turned to face her, his eyes meeting hers again, and where before there was only pain, now there was anger in them too, hiding the hurt Rey knew must still be there.

Rey stopped short, her mouth hanging slightly open, unsure what she said to make him flip like he did. “Ben?”

He shook his head in disbelief. “You said you’d ‘seen me’. Rey, until yesterday—” his voice broke and he was softer again, some of the anger melting back to pain in his eyes. “—you didn’t _look_ at me for _months.”_  When he said it out loud it became more real than it ever was before, and Rey felt her chest tighten, her eyes water and she looked at the floor unsure what else she could do or say. She thought after yesterday things would be okay (the way he held her, spoke to her, _kissed her_ , it had all felt like a promise, and now she felt betrayed, like he broke that promise), but apparently something changed overnight and suddenly Rey wondered if this was even Ben in front of her still.

“I know…” Rey looked up at him through her tears. “But I’m here, now, and no matter what you do, I’m not leaving this time.” She set her jaw tight, staring him down. He had every right to be upset at her, but running now would never solve this (and despite the awful way her heart ached at this whole conversation she knew she still wanted to make this work with him. For better or for worse, Rey wanted to be with Ben Solo).

That made Kylo stop short and though there was still pain and anger in his gaze, something else surfaced at her words _(desire,_ but oh, how his anger mixed with that desire… the passion and heat, he was raw emotions when he was with her and she barely knew what to do with all that he showed her through his eyes _)._ And maybe she saw Ben start to reach out to her, like he was going to do something impulsive and dangerous (and Rey felt her heartbeat quicken in anticipation and she hoped he would touch her, that he could see that she was really here to stay, that she really was sorry) But before anything could happen (before Rey knew for sure that Ben – and wasn’t he acting like Kylo right now? What was with that? – really was reaching for her to make amends with her and not lash out somewhere in anger), the force disconnected them and Rey was alone again (and maybe now she knew what she wanted but she was more confused than ever about where she stood with Ben).

“Oh, kriff it all.” Rey let out a shuddering breath and fell back on her bed behind her.

(The closer she got to him, the further away he seemed and right now he might as well have been in  another universe.)

Despite all the did the night before and even this morning, it wasn’t enough yet to have Ben Solo hold her just to hold her. She hugged her arms to her chest and sighed, feeling the ache in her chest as her still-quickly-beating heart returned to normal.

She would just have to be persistent now like he had been all those months, it was the least she could do.

After all, the way he changed overnight told Rey there was a lot more going on inside of Ben than she knew. She could help him (she had already promised him that when they were on the _Supremacy_ together). She would help him.

He just had to let her in now.

And that was hypocritical when she brushed him off for so long, but Rey never claimed to be perfect, and it wasn’t like he was either (and so once again, their pain was reflected in the other, and her imperfections fit his and they would stand together like she saw, she knew it).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides* 
> 
> What do you guys think? I promise I _tried_ to make them happy in this chapter. I wanted them to get along, but everything I wrote and they wouldn't stop arguing and being the angsty little shits they are *sigh*
> 
> So, this fic currently predicts 3 chapters, and we'll see how that goes. It may wrap up in one more chapter, but it's also possible it will be more...
> 
> Thanks for reading, guys! Leave me a kudos/comment and let me know what you thought!


	3. III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> These two idiots finally make nice

For some reason, when Rey imagined this day in the moments before she fell asleep the night before, when she was still remembering the way she finally acknowledged Ben and let her heart take over (and that confused heart, why did she feel for him the way she did when she really barely knew him still?), she didn’t consider the fact that everything could go completely horribly wrong. And not just with her conversation with Ben this morning.

Kylo?

…. _Ben-lo_?

Whatever. _Him_.

(and maybe she had been so caught up with this image she had in her head of who he was that she really hadn’t expected the person who showed up this morning, the real him, who she didn’t actually know that well despite the intense few encounters they’d shared when she was speaking to him)

So, while her morning had put her in a sour, agitated, confused state (not to mention a _ching for carnal comforts she had never had quite like this)_ she was not mentally prepared when she remembered she had actual Resistance work to do that day too. There was planetside work Leia had asked Rey to handle while all her friends were away on a mission (and didn’t it bite that nobody was around to help distract Rey from her mess of a mind? And she didn’t blame anyone but herself for that, because apparently, everything was Rey’s fault today.)

As it turned out, the planetside work Leia had for her was actually a lot cooler than she thought it was going to be. It was also a lot more difficult and Rey felt completely out of her element for most of the day. She was shadowing Leia, so she could learn to act as an agent for the Resistance.

“As a Jedi, you’re not going to be able to stand completely with the Resistance.” Rey wanted to argue, she was completely committed to the cause, she would fight for them!

“Leia—”

“Now, don’t be like that,” Leia smiled in a knowing way and pat her on the hand. “I know you’ll do all you can for us, and I appreciate that, Rey. What I mean is there are going to be things you have to do in order to train and master the Force that will set you apart from the others here.” And there was a sad but understanding look in the old woman’s eyes. She had seen her own brother leave the Resistance cause because of his life as a Jedi. Rey resented that thought; that being a Jedi meant more separation from her friends, but she knew Leia was right (but hadn’t Rey spent enough of her life alone? Was it so much to ask that the universe give her the companionship she so longed for?)

“I’m not better than anyone else here.” Rey insisted anyway.

“Now, I never said you were. Your calling in life is just different than others, Rey. I know that. It’s why I sent you to find Luke and not someone who he knew. But, while you are here, you can be a strong part of what we stand for. What we fight for.

“The galaxy needs hope now more than anything, and a young Jedi, however untrained you may still be, is a beacon in these dark times.” Leia had a way with words that Rey found unmatched by anyone else she had ever met, and despite the hard morning she’d had, she found herself bolstered up by Leia’s words. She had a place now, a purpose that was more than just waiting.

There was a melancholy look in her eyes despite the smile on her face when the general told Rey “You give us hope.”

Rey spent the rest of the time the others were on mission either with Leia or another office learning about the way battle operations were carried out. This was the first big mission the Resistance had had since they were cornered on Crait (and Rey supposes she shouldn’t be surprised that it’s all far more complicated than she had considered).

By the third day, she crawled into her quarters exhausted and just hoping she could sleep. It was strange that since she had finally confronted Ben (actually looked at his face, into his eyes and seen the light he had, the light she wanted to help bring to the surface) she had felt more at peace within herself.

Thinking of him now, she felt their connection flare and she saw him. He was sitting somewhere, not too far from where she was. He looked at her and seemed surprised for a moment before his look turned sour (more like a pout, really).

“Ben.” He didn’t respond, but he didn’t look away from her either (and why did that make it worse?)

Rey reached for words she didn’t have. This was her fault, wasn’t it? That he was upset with her? (because it was her who ignored him for so long, who refused to give him a chance after that day when he offered to give her the place by his side.) But it was hardly fair to take all the blame. They were on different sides, who could be expected to change everything so soon? So suddenly? She had ignored him and it may as well have been her duty to the Resistance to do so (but in their connection, did she not have some kind of obligation to _him_ by the Force? And who was Rey to argue with the universal powers that be?)

“We’ve both done things we regret, Ben.” She wasn’t entirely sure what she was saying to him, but it felt like the right thing.

“You regret not killing me, don’t you?” He looked away, down at his hands, pale in the glow of moonlight that she couldn’t see. “it would have made your life easier if you had just killed me that night on Starkiller base when we first fought.”

And maybe that wasn’t entirely untrue, that her life would be less complicated without him. “If I had killed you then, Snoke would still be alive right now. You killed him, Ben. The universe is better because of that.”

“You could have done that. Maybe not so soon, but you would have eventually. You didn’t need me. You still don’t.” (and why does that hurt so much to hear? She never needed anyone before, he was right that she shouldn’t need him. That she didn’t need him. He was right. So why, why did her heartache and her throat close? Why did it hurt to hear the self-loathing in his voice? He wasn’t wrong. And yet.)

(he was so wrong)

“I don’t care about that. I don’t wish you were dead, Ben. I don’t regret that I didn’t kill you.” She walked over to him and placed her hands on either side of his face. She expected him to pull away, to lash out or yell at her, reject her again, but he surprised her and leaned into her touch.

All the questions she had the other day, thoughts that maybe he really was this horrible _Kylo Ren_ that he insisted he was, they faded as she spoke to the man in front of her. This was Ben. He was always Ben to her.

Broken, angry, hurt. Just like her.

They weren’t so different, really. She had years of these feelings bottled just below the surface too. She was Rey and he was Ben and she could never turn her back on him when she was the same as he was.

“What I regret,” Rey started, tilting his chin so he met her eyes, (and those eyes bore into hers with a prayerlike intensity that she almost didn’t know what to do with) “is the fact that we are on opposite sides with no feasible way to reconcile. You won’t leave, I won’t go, and yet here we are and I don’t want you to leave and I don’t want to go.” A tear went down her face and then his hand was there, wiping it away.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was a whisper (and he should be sorry. For making her feel. For making her say all these things out loud. For making her question everything she knew about loyalty, and she was a creature of loyalty, but in this universe, with no family and now people on both sides of this conflict who she cared about, where could she place and keep her loyalty? Maybe it belonged in her heart, but that would mean a war inside her and how could she live like that?)

“For what?” The rational side of her wanted to know.

“That I don’t have any of the answers, either.” He seemed earnest, and despite the fact that neither of them knew what to do, this felt like an answer to Rey.

She felt his arms wrap around her and pull her close and she knew.

Ben was her answer.

(the rest of this? The Resistance, who they were, what they stood for, their differences? She would work those things out along the way because she had been looking for answers her whole life, and she wasn’t about to give up on everything when she finally had one.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, idk about this as the ending, but it's been long enough and of all the false starts and staring at an empty doc trying to figure out what needed to be said, this is what came out, so, here you go. Hopefully, this is enough to counteract all the angst this fic is. From a crack tumblr post to a 10k angst trip. There ya go. Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Find me on tumblr @reyloismyotpandiamtrash


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